Im going to be honest

I haven't had depression pills for about a month and my doctor won't respond to the refill. I feel like my depression has gotten a hundred times worse. I have been trying my best to keep it hidden but this morning I broke down. The stress of Pun'kins surgery, my kitchen and un organized house has taken its toll. I really just don't even want to be in the apartment. Pun'kins surgery is Friday at 8:30 am but we have to check in at 6:30. Because she was premature she will have to stay for four to six hours after the surgery so they can monitor her heart. It's so stressful. I keep crying and I cry so hard that I can't breathe. We haven't had internet for a week almost and I'm going crazy. I can't even listen to music because our sound card on the computer/(tower) is broken. So I'm going insane. I can't stand quiet. The empty lonely feeling really just hits me. Yes I have my daughter but she sleeps all day. I hate being alone. I  know that in the end I will have a new kitchen and things will be in order when I get home from California it's just the wait until then that is killing me. Last night we went to pick up Pun'kins crib and my husband is going to put it together on Friday. That's going to be a good day. I hope. When my mom and twin and step dad/ dad (he raised me) very well at that I might add.. I am going to have my twin and mom help me finish the mural and have them sign the wall. It's going to be relaxing and fun. I am excited to show them our home and yes we might not have t.v or a coffee table or even nice furniture but we love what he have and we worked hard to get it. I am proud of my home and that is all that matters to me. My wonderful aunt just called and let me vent and gave me some words of wisdom and put me in a great mood. I am really looking forward to my visit with everyone but right now I have a stinky baby who hasn't been able to have a proper bath in six weeks. So Sarah and I are going to give her one long relaxing bath. I love you all and can't wait to see you. As always...stay classy my friends.

The rest of the week is going to suck

Tomorrow Pun'kin gets her casts off and we will have our pre op consultation. I have a lot of questions to ask. I'm still not sure how I'm going to get through it. I keep
Telling myself it's going to be ok. My husbands parents still haven't called to ask about Pun'kin. You know my husband tries to defend his parents actions by saying "well they never call me!" Well Pun'kin is their first grandchild, and they know she has issues with her feet. You would THINK that they would CARE enough about her to ask how she is doing. See my husbands mother complains that HER mother doesn't do anything with GAMMY is my husbands mother. So GAMMY gets mad that her mother never spends time or asks how her youngest son is doing. She complains that her mother lives an hour away but never comes to visit. Gammy just goes on and on about how it hurts her feelings and yet she does the EXACT SAME THING TO US!! She lives an hour away and never comes over. She says the drive is too long and we don't have air conditioning. WHAT A POOR EXCUSE. I don't understand how she can sit there and rant about her mom when she is a splitting image of her mother. I can almost bet money that they don't know her birthday. I have just come to the point where I just don't want to go there any more. To their house I mean. I find it funny that they refuse to come here but expect us to go there knowing we are usually hurting for money. I try to just tell myself to just let it go and that is just the way they are but really?? That's just the way they are?? That's pretty pathetic to me. I tell my husband if my family was only an hour away I would see them all the time. I just don't get it.  I hope you can all now see where my frstration comes from. It breaks my heart that they aren't active in her life. I told my husband that its either they want to be in her life or they don't. I don't want anymore lf this "when its convenient for them" b.s.  They are missing out on so much. Pun'kin giggled for the first time she is awake longer and smiles more. She's almost sleeping through the night!! Well to be honest my vicodin for my jaw and ear just kicked in and I'm sleepy so I will add to it tomorrow. Good night my friends. As always, stay classy my friends

Pun'kin

Just a few hours old. Born May 27 2011 1:52 am

not ready for it

Today is Monday and that means in two days Pun'kin will be getting her casts off and that means this Friday is her surgery. Now this week has sucked because our kitchen still hasn't been worked on yet and so all of my pots and pans are still on my floor in my dining room. When I wake up and I see all the pots and pans I get extreme anxiety and get frustrated. I got a call from Pun'kins doctors office and they said that she was still not on our insurance and that they would not do the surgery. So I emailed my husband at work telling him that he needs to talk to H.R. I was pissed! So He went into work today and asked to speak to his H.R and find out whats going on. So he asked what was going on and he said it was corporate. So I was so mad. My plans to California would have been ruined and I would be mad if Pun'kins surgery was put off knowing we have been on this strict schedule for all of her casts. I am not looking forward to her surgery on Friday. Luckily my husband got Friday off so that I wouldn't have to be alone. I really wish that Sarah could come with me for the extra support. It's so surreal now. I can't imagine what my poor daughter will be feeling or going through. I feel so weak. I just know I will be holding her all day and not wanting to put her down.
On a different subject My husband and I went to the clothing optional beach yesterday with our friends and we had an amazing time. There were tons of people and the atmosphere was amazing. Now I know my husband very well and he is my best friend but he totally amazed me yesterday at the beach. He got butt naked. Nine years ago my husband would have NEVER done that. Six years ago my husband would have never done that. I have never seen my husband so comfortable in his own skin ever. I kept asking him if he was sure.I see my husband naked all the time but seeing him naked in a crowd kinda made me feel like I was a teenager skinny dipping. I was kinda embarrassed for him and he wasn't embarrassed at all. I just was so happy and proud of him. He told me that he is now at his heaviest and that when he was thinner he would not be so shy. I feel like my husband and I re connected yesterday. It was so peaceful and relaxing. I never thought my husband and I could have found friends that we could go to a clothing optional beach with. I find it kinda funny how much my husband and I have changed since we moved to the North West. I am in love with my husband and my best friend. I love him more now than the day we were married. Now we have a beautiful daughter and I couldn't be happier. On that note I am ready to fall asleep next to my wonderful husband. So stay classy my friends

Bad news

So my neighbor T.J she just told us she has black mold every where in her apartment and is being moved to another apartment.! WONDERFUL. So pretty much tomorrow when the maintenance guy comes we are going to have a little chat. I am going to ask him to be honest with me and tell me what the likelihood of us moving and or staying in the apartment is. Now I have been thinking why should we have had to pay rent this month?? I am also very very SAD.. let me tell you why. LOL.. So as you all know Pun'kin came two months early so The Little Mermaid mural I started was put on hold and not finished. The mural itself is about 80 percent done. The rest of her nursery is finished. I have her fish tank in there her selves with the little mermaid snow globes on it. My husband went and picked up dressers and I have decorated the entire nursery. Plus my girlfriend Jenni just bought Pun'kin a crib. So being excited about her nursery being almost 100% complete was an amazing feeling. Now all this crap. My assumption is.. If my neighbor has black mold so bad in her apartment that she HAD to move and then we had mold in our closet and there's mold under our sink I'm pretty sure we are going to have to move as well. I am really upset because the Mural meant so much to me. It was my biggest painting I have ever done. It was the biggest challenge as well. I didn't think I would have to lose it so quickly. I mean we just signed another year lease. My heart is breaking. I just want to cry all day. The worse part is the maintenance guy won't know how bad the kitchen is until they tear it apart. So the waiting is going to kill me. I am tired of having to sleep in the living room. If I get enough money to go to California... psshhh it'll be the BEST VACATION EVER! I'll feel bad of course because my husband will be home alone but most likely we'll be in a new apartment. I'm just saying.... they better have a down stairs apartment available. Ugh, will this bad luck never end?? I'm just wondering. It sucks this next week will kill me because it marks Pun'kin sixth set of casts which means her surgery is that next Friday. I am seriously going to be an emotional wreck. I just want our bad luck to end and our good karma to come to us. Is that too much to ask. I have decided to start playing powerball again. LOL well that's all for now so as always, stay classy my friends

pest control

So today pest control is going to do "something" to the apartment. They weren't very clear. All I know is that they wanted me to pick everything off of the floors and move furniture away from the walls. I am pretty upset with our apartment complex. Last week we find out our water heater had been leaking for quite some time and also that the pipes from up stairs were also leaking into our closet. So black mold grew on the carpet and we got a brand new water heater. Well We haven't been able to sleep in our room for a week and went without hot water for three days. Now yesterday we found out that our dish washer was probably leaking because there was water under the lanolin and it as seeping into the carpet in the living room. Well after the maintenance guy does some looking around he finds out that in another apartment above us the water is leaking into the wall and so yeah.. he DRILLED holes into our kitchen wall and cut a hole in the wall under the sink! WONDERFUL. Now while the pest control people are coming I have to put my cats in a vacant apartment while they do what ever it is they are doing and Pun'kin and I are going to hang out at my friends apartment for the day. Well I am not looking forward to carrying my cats in cat carriers for the simple fact they might pee or poop them selves because they are scared. So I have to take shampoo and towels just in case. I am doing so much extra work. I know in the end it will be worth it but right now it doesn't feel that way. Yesterday Pun'kin had her first "up the back poop" and now she seems a lot happier and not so fussy. She's still a little turd sometimes. So I'm kinda in a panic right now as I was writing I remembered that We brought Pun'kins money to Seattle in case I wanted to buy her something and it was in my backpack. Well I just checked and it's not in there... THAT IS NOT GOOD. meaning some one jacked it or it fell out. most likely it was jacked because it was at the bottom of the backpack. GREAT! There goes 60+ dollars down the drain. UGH! I'm telling you when it rains it pours! Well I need to finish getting things ready for the pest people so as always stay classy my friends

I need a break

I have had it. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm lonely, I'm mad. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. Its hard enough doing everything on my own but adding Pun'kin into it, is stressful. Today I have been doing nothing but laundry and packing and pumping and cleaning. My husband sits a computer all day and hates his job. He makes it seem like his job is so hard. No he sits in a chair and answers phone calls. I'm sorry am I missing something? I think..... I wake up twice to three times in the night to feed my daughter and pump. I wake up and pump again and then do chores ALL day. Yes I take breaks to write on facebook but I'm not on facebook for hours at a time. I'm actually reading to my daughter or talking to her or playing with her, you know... doing PARENT STUFF! I'm sorry that what I do during the day isn't hard in your eyes. I get no help from my husbands family because they don't care about Pun'kin or me for that matter. It's hard when I have no support. Especially no support from my husband. Yes when he gets home he will feed her and change her but that's it. He gets the fun part of being a dad. He doesn't have to worry about anything else. I swear some times I feel that just because I don't bring a pay check home I'm not equal to him. Yes I understand he pays the bills but if I could work and not have to pay for day care I WOULD IN A HEART BEAT. but because my husband says we can't afford day care I can't work. So WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'M SO TIRED OF FEELING TRAPPED. My husband keeps saying "you need to get your driver licence!" But we can't even afford for him to register the car and get a new drivers licence for him. It's so frustrating. I always feel so alone and unappreciated. I swear my friends say they appreciate me more than my husband some times.One of the main reasons why I want to go to California is because I don't want to be alone after Pun'kins surgery. I can't do it alone. I thought that when I was diagnosed with depression that my husband would have at least tried to make things a little easier for me but no! Nothing has changed really. I am so tired and on edge all the time. It makes it worse that my milk supply still isn't coming in after almost three months. I'm up to 12 fenugreek a day and 3 cups of mothers milk tea. Lately it seems my milk supply is non existent and Pun'kin is eating every two hours. I feel like I'm always drained of energy and patients. I quit smoking but God I really want to smoke again. Another thing that makes me mad is pumping. Now I know BREAST IS BEST. which is why I am still pumping but.. I get depressed even more when I can't even get a full two ounces in an hour pumping session. It's REALLY DEPRESSING. I know not everyone was cut out to breast feed/ pump but honestly my entire pregnancy I wanted to breast feed. It was something I really looked forward to and then Pun'kin came early and she tried latching and did but sucking was an issue for her. While in the nicu almost towards the end of Pun'kins stay they started bottle feeding her but she needed chin support because her jaw muscles weren't strong enough to keep a tight suck on the nipple. Now three months later she is great at bottle feeding but still can't keep a hold of her binky. Her jaw muscles still aren't strong enough. I feel like a failure. I can't bring more income in for my family and I can't make more milk for my daughter. I just remember my mom driving to Oceanside to help my twin clean the house and let her have a break and I don't have that. I wish I did.. I REALLY WISH I DID.. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING OUR ENTIRE APARTMENT COMPLEX IS FALLING APART. FIVE TOTAL APARTMENTS ARE HAVING PIPING PROBLEMS AND YEAH. We had black mold in our bedroom and haven't been able to sleep in it for a week and now our dish washer has been leaking and there is water under the lanolin and it's leaking into our carpet in our living room. OH MAN.. WHAT A GREAT WEEK. Well I have a dinner date with the neighbors and I'm hungry so off I go. I forgot to say... Stay classy my friends LOL

Pun'kins casts

Today Pun'kin got her fifth set of casts. She is in A LOT of pain today. The ibuprofen doesn't seem to be helping. She is also gassy so we gave her some gas drops. I am hoping now she will be able to sleep with ease. My husband bless his heart really gets upset when Pun'kin is upset. Today we went blueberry picking and he just held her all morning. He wouldn't let me hold her because he says " I DON'T EVER GET TO SPEND TIME WITH HER!" This is true but... He doesn't get to deal with the crying and screaming and tears and giggles. Some times I feel like he isn't that "in to her" When she was in the nicu he was WAY more active with her. He read to her and talked to her a lot more. I figured he doesn't do it so much now because the feeling of helplessness isn't there anymore. I still think she needs to hear his voice more often. I talk to Pun'kin ALL DAY! When she's awake or sleeping. Now that she is getting older, she is looking more like her dad. When she was born she looked exactly like me. I'm sure every parent hates when their new born cries because they're in pain and there is nothing they can do. You just feel so bad because nothing takes their pain away or soothes them. I wish there was a magic happy pill for babies. LOL. wouldn't that be great? I sure think so. Well on a different subject my husband is trying to send me to California after Pun'kins surgery so my family can see her for the first time. My husband and I were KINDA relying on him getting a job with the North West Natural Gas Co, but he did not. So the money we were expecting to have to send Pun'kin and I to California is no longer in our future. It sucks because we can only go down once a year to see my family and friends. Everyone wants us to move back home to California but honestly as much as I would love to I'd still want to live in like Northern California. I couldn't live SUPER close to my family. I love them with all my heart but don't get me wrong.... There is too much drama in my family. Plus I moved away to get away from the drugs. I love living in Washington. It's beautiful. I get all four seasons but mostly three are rain or snow. lol I'm okay with that. I love the snow and I love the rain. Now when I say rain I don't mean Californian rain I mean more of a steady drizzle or mist. When it really rains I GET EXCITED. It reminds me of California rain. Although we don't not get thunder or lightening here. That's one thing that sucks. I think one of the things besides my family that I miss the most is the food. I love me some Mexican food and Chinese food. Up here they put potato chunks in your breakfast burrito NOT HASH BROWNS... and... here's the kicker... THEY PUT MUSHROOMS IN FAJITAS. WHO DOES THAT???? jeesh... I miss Mr. yu's chinese food, Yoshinoya, and Gus Jr. and... IN N OUT.. ooh man.. Oh and sunnymead burger. yummy. man.... I sure do miss Cali food. OH AND CUCAS. omg... best burrito's ever. I hope that Pun'kin is not a picky eater. I want her to want to try everything at least once. I am only picky about a few things only because of texture but my husband, well I usually make a garbage disposal sound when he eats. LOL. It's quite funny.
Now.. it's time to go be a good mommy and pump. and tomorrow I will write about how much I HATE PUMPING and why. So as usual.. Stay classy my friends...

fun in the sun

So I have been a parent for 81 days. This weekend on Saturday I took Pun'kin to a clothing optional beach. It was my first time going to one. Pun'kin did so well. She just slept in her pack and play and enjoyed the warmth from the not so much sun, but heat trapped in from the overcast.It was very interesting. In Portland you have a lot of hippies and there was this one lady who was smoking weed and drinking wine and hula hooping talking about how she is a social butterfly. LOL.. There were a lot of older people and they all knew each other. My good friend and I had a good time and made jokes about how we wanted to take a nude picture of Pun'kin and make some sick jokes about how she is all natural and not having to shave or wax "below" lol... On Sunday we went to Seattle and my friend Sarah held Pun'kin and loved it. All day random people kept telling her how beautiful her baby was and asking how old she was. LOL. It was comedy.Pun'kin did so well. She loved being outside.It's almost creepy how good she is. I tell my husband either we got really lucky or she is going to be autistic. I know that sounds mean but really that's how good of a baby she is. Earlier last week my neighbor was telling me about how her friend's seven week old baby had passed away. Now when she told me this My heart dropped. I was in shock. I am so thankful Pun'kin is still here with me. I thank God every morning and every night. Honestly I don't think there is anything more wonderful and stress relieving than having your baby wake up in the morning. Even though Pun'kin wakes up in the middle of the night to eat, I AM GLAD SHE DOES because she is still here with me. There are no words to describe how happy I am every time she wakes up.Being a premature baby her lungs aren't as fully developed as a full term baby so I worry about her breathing and also her heart beat is not as stable so I worry about her heart rate going down and not coming back up and because she is not on monitors I don't know when it does. It's very stressful. On Sunday in Seattle we were at Pikes Place and this couple saw Pun'kin and then saw her casts and the woman said " honey did you see their daughter? she's in casts?" and she said in a way as if I broke her legs. I just got so mad. I just wanted to leave. I just wish people would ask whats wrong instead of starring and then whispering. It really just makes me sad and mad. Pun'kin is my world and I would NEVER harm her. Sarah always says to me if Pun'kin was an ugly baby she would never take credit for Pun'kin being hers. LOL. When her and I were waiting to be seated at Pike's Place brewery this family saw me feeding Pun'kin and Sarah sitting beside me and I heard the wife telling her husband that she thought we were a gay couple. So I laughed and whispered it to Sarah and she laughed and then.. well we had fun with it. Sarah stroked Pun'kins' head and then stroked my chin and I said out loud "Isn't OUR baby beautiful?" and Sarah said "yes" and then I said : She has mommy's eyes." and Sarah laughed and said " good thing the sperm donor did too" LOL.. It was great. I think the family left.. haha. Pun'kin ...she is the best baby. I can't believe how big she is getting. Last week she weighed 8 pounds 7 ounces. This Wednesday we"ll find out how much she has gained. I am also going to measure her as well. This week will be casts number 5 and then she'll get number 6 and August 28th is the surgery date. It's coming up so fast. I don't think I am ready for it. Sarah is going to help me "spiffify" this blog so I can post pics of Pun'kin. It's almost time for her to eat. So I should go.. but as always
Stay classy my friend

Thinking back

This morning at 2:30 a.m Pun'kin woke up to be fed and as she was falling asleep I had a flash back. I remember every night at 12 a.m my husband and I would drive to the hospital to kiss her good night. We never missed a night, and I cried every night. I kept telling my husband " I want to bring her home." Now that she is home and is next to me every night, it is truly a blessing. I love watching her fall asleep. She is so beautiful and lovable. Twice a week I would stay all day at the hospital with her and I loved it. I could spend all day with her and do all the feedings and all the cleanings. One of the funniest moments in the nicu was when Pun'kin had her first "projectile" poop. It got every where. The nurse was very surprised because she just kept going and the best part was Pun'kin was ASLEEP. =) I jokingly said she is the poop master of the family. Luckily it was bath night that night.Having her home is awesome because I can hold her and kiss her when ever I want.Being a parent is a lot of fun to me. I'm sure it will stay fun because I am only going to have one child. Pun'kin is my world. I love waking up to her, even if it is in the middle of the night. I always tell her I love her and give her kisses and tell her "good job" when she gives me a good burp.Pun'kin is a very quiet baby.She just started cooing late last month. It's awesome hearing her talk to me. She makes the cutest sounds and smiles when she coos. Tomorrow she will get her fourth set of casts on. After that only two more until her surgery.I don't know which will be harder the surgery or watching her wear braces for 20 hours a day. Everything is going to change. The way we hold her, the way we feed her and the way she sleeps. Her casts already make her mad when I do tummy time, I can only imagine how mad she is going to be in the braces. Some days the casts don't bother me and other days they really do. Like when she is in her swing and I hear the clunking of the casts because she is trying to move her legs. That really breaks my heart. Or when she is just crying because her casts are hurting her. She has this cry that is so heart breaking. My husband hates that cry. When she is in that much pain there is nothing we can do but try to hold her and comfort her, but even holding her can hurt her. Those days/nights SUCK! I think she is so quiet and sleeps a lot is because she does it to ignore the pain from her casts. I don't blame her. When I am in pain or don't feel good, I just want to sleep it off too. Speaking of sleeping my daughter is finally asleep and most moms would say..." take your shower now, do your chores now, or sleep now" I am going to take my shower and do my chores and then.. if there is time, take a nap. So as usual, stay classy my friends

Going to see Grandma and Grandpa >:(

Well today I have been a parent for 73 days and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. =) Although today we are going to see my husbands parents. First off let me say it has been two weeks since the last time Pun'kin saw them, and not once have they called. Not to say "hey how's Pun'kin?" or "when are you bringing our grand daughter over again?" or " WE MISS OUR GRAND DAUGHTER"  So again in my personal opinion I feel they just don't care. My family HATES that they haven't met her yet. They so badly want us to come to California to see them. This is how I wish my husbands family would be. I know I can't make people change but in a situation like this, I wish it were possible. Now you can ask my friends,  my husband and I are easy going people. We're fun and boring but that's what they love about us. Now why my husbands family can't stand me I will never know. Well I know how my husbands grandmother feels but we won't get on that.  So Pun'kin's surgery is getting closer and closer even though it's still not until the end of the month. I am dreading it so much it's not even funny. Some times I sit and think about all of my sisters kids and get angry. Not at them but at the fact that all of their kids are fine. Although my twin's second son was born with intestinal malrotation. It is a type of obstruction caused by abnormal development of the intestines while a fetus is in the womb. He had to have major surgery at four weeks old. Now he is a healthy happy boy. I just get angry because I wish Pun'kin's feet where a quick fix and not so long. A big issue for me is the word sentimental. It sucks because of course I am female so of course I am going to be sentimental. I feel it is how you are sentimental towards things that makes my view of sentimental different than others. I wish in a lot of ways I could be a different person. I do like who I am but feel I could be a better person. I have quit smoking but have started drinking more. I don't want to be " that mom" where people go omg she's drinking and she has a baby!?! I am a great mother. I might not be the best but again I have only been a mom for 73 days! I think so far the worst thing that has been said to me since Pun'kin was born is that "I am more of a martyr than a mother!" When this was said to me Pun'kin was still in the NICU. Now most of you know Pun'kins real name, but I am leaving it as her nick name through out my blogs. Punk'kin is the nick name I have my daughter before we knew the sex of the baby. So I hope none of you are confused now. =)


It is hard for me to go over to my husbands parents house feeling the way I do about them. I know it is important for Pun'kin to have her grandparents in her life but, it's hard because I know they aren't good people. Mostly his mom. His dad I really like but I have my issues with him too, I just feel that as a parent if I know some one or something is not good for me than why would I take my daughter around those people? I do however understand that as Pun'kin grows up she will be able to make that decision on her own but for now because she is so young doesn't that mean I get to make that decision? does that make me selfish? or even a bad person? I feel like it would be easier if I could let things go but as Marge Simpson says "you're a woman, you can hold onto it forever" This is so true. Now that I am a mom I sit here and think how the hell did my mom do it? How does any parent who has more than one kid do it? Now Pun'kin is an AWESOME baby. She never really cries unless she is hungry or needs a clean diaper. She is a very GOOD baby. I joke with my husband all the time and tell him I had such a crappy pregnancy to have such a good daughter. We talk a lot about having another baby but then when we really think about it we just don't want another baby. He is the oldest of three and there is seven years between  the next oldest and 18 years between the youngest. So he was pretty much an only child. Me I have many sisters. I love them all but we never really had money to do family things. We always had to have combined birthday parties. We never got to have many things just to ourselves. We shared almost everything and because there were so many of us we went without a lot of things. My parents did the best that they could, and let me tell you now that I live on my own,I understand what my parents meant by leaving the fridge open and cooling the entire neighborhood. Or when we took extremely long showers. I didn't really want my first child until 27. I wanted to have had school done a career started. Actually the same week I found out I was pregnant I was supposed to start community college to be a mechanic. Now I am a stay at home wife/mom and I love it. Some days I hate it because I just want to go do something but being home with Pun'kin is awesome. Some of my favorite things to do with her is dance with her around the house, or reading her stories. When Pun'kin was growing in my belly my husband would read stories to her. When she was born her first books that her dad read to her where about air, fire, the seasons, and day and night. When Pun'kin was in the nicu my husband ordered her her first little golden book and it of course it was The Little Mermaid. My husband and I think reading books to her is important. I joking tell my husband she's going to be a triple threat beautiful, smart and talented. One of the things that I can't wait to do with her is teach her how to roller skate. My dad taught me how to roller skate at two years old. I am 23 years old now and LOVE to roller skate as much as I did when I was younger. Well it's time to get the little miss ready to go see her grandparents. So again .. stay classy my friends

First and Foremost

Today I have been a parent for 70 days. My daughter was born two months early. She was born with a muscle condition called club feet. Club feet is when the Achilles tendon and interior muscles where the arch of your foot is does not grow correctly.  This week my daughter is going to be two months and one week old. She just got her third set of casts on. The casts go from her toes to her upper thighs. It is extremely hard seeing her in casts. Although she is getting used to casts I am not. Its difficult when my husband and I go out and people stare at her casts. I can just feel there eyes piercing though my heart. Most of the time I put pants over her casts or a blanket. I am not ashamed of my daughters appearance but don't want people asking questions.
 I am in no way a great writer. I suck at punctuation. So now that all of that is out of the way.. welcome to my blog. My blogs will be about my daughters adventures in growing up what she has to go through and the mile stones she has to over come being a preemie and having club feet. It will also be about my husband and I being first time parents and what we go through. Having a premature baby is not fun or easy. It is very scary and hard. My daughter had to stay in the neonatal intensive care unit ( NICU) for 22 days. In those 22 days I cried, laughed, screamed, and threatened to divorce my husband. Watching your baby have a feeding tube in her nose and i.v's and leads every where is a frightening sight. It's even worse when you have no idea what it's all for. I think the most horrible part of her room was her heart monitor. When he heart rate dropped an alarm went off and instant panic happened. You just sit there and watch her heart rate drop lower and lower and pray that it goes back up. Luckily every time it went down it came back up on it's own without any help from the nurses or doctors. It was especially hard because my husband had to work. His Fmla doesn't kick in until he has worked with his company for one year and it has only been 11 months. At the time our daughter was born it had only been 9 months. In the two months that my daughter has been alive her great grandmother and grandfather on my husbands side has only seen her once. Her grandparents on my husbands side have only seen her three times. The sad part is the great grandparents live ten minuets away and the grandparents live an hour away. The great grandmother is NOT allowed to see her for personal reasons the great grandpa could see her when ever he wants but chooses not to. The grandparents well they are in laws and I DON'T LIKE THEM for my own reasons. They never call to ask how she's doing or call to say " hey, can we come see the baby?" so in my opinion they just don't care. Now ALL of my family lives in Southern California except my step sister who lives in Northern California and my oldest sister who lives in Arizona. None of my family have met my daughter yet. But that's ok because gas is expensive and they all have jobs... so what's my husbands family's excuse???  they don't work except for my husbands dad. They all just sit at home and do nothing. See I guess I just think things should be the way I imagine it to be but my expectations are too high.. for example Don't force me or tell me to do something I don't want to do. If you even try ...well as my sisters and dad say "you have no idea who you are fucking with" Now I promise to try not to swear a lot.
  Being a first time parent is not easy. Its especially not easy when you have NO family to help you and your husband has to work every day. I do have support from my family which is great but God I could really use a day with no diaper changes and bottle cleaning just a day to waste sleeping. Having no family close to help you with that sucks! But.. I can honestly say the family that is close I wouldn't trust watching my daughter. So, with that being said I am extremely tired and stressed all the time. I am suffering from depression, but I am slowly getting better. One thing I hate the most is when people say "don't over work yourself"  yes I understand it's not good, but when your husband works all day you kinda don't have a choice. Yes I could ask for help when he gets home but I CAN'T wait until he gets home to get cleaning done. I hate a dirty home. Ever since my daughter was born I have still been doing my normal cleaning. I do all the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning. I could ask for help but it just seems like a hassle to ask and I feel bad asking my husband when he's worked all day. I feel like I spend more time cleaning than with my daughter although I know it's not true. I hate the apartments we live in not because it's not a nice apartment but because of the area and the way it was set up. All the kids play in the parking lot or the streets. The cops are always here and there are TOO many indoor/ outdoor and stray cats running around. I wish I could feel safe walking with my daughter to Wal-mart and back but I just don't. I do it any ways because I don't like being in the apartment all day but there's nothing else to do. Being inside all day does not help my depression, and it's been sunny all week. Living in Washington this is a miracle for us! When my daughter was in the nicu and the sun came out I kept telling my husband that I couldn't wait for her to feel the warmth of the sun on her. So now that she can I want her in it as much as possible.
  The rest of the year is going to be really exciting because of course it's our first "family" Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are also going to suck because it will just be my husband my daughter and I. I am a very family person. I NEED my family. I don't know what I would do without them. It really sucks living far away from them but I LOVE where I live. "Washington" not my actual apartment. LOL. My family is how I wish my husbands family would be like. Again... wishful thinking. I am the type of person who does not forget when some one has hurt me. I will forgive but NEVER forget and in some cases even though I have forgiven a person I will still not talk or be friends with those people. So it makes communicating with my husbands family difficult and stressful on our relationship. My husband has his views and I have mine. Now of course because I am female I think that mine should be put first and his shouldn't mean crap but that's just the way it is. I am in many ways selfish and spoiled but... I am also not married to a wealthy man. My husband is a GREAT FATHER and PROVIDER. sometimes and most recently he has been thinking he is not. He worries for our daughters future which I believe every parent does. I try to tell him no matter how much or little money we have, our daughter will have what she NEEDS, and right now she just needs mommy and daddy. Well for my first blog aka short story I think this is enough insight on me and my family for right now. Until next time  in the words of Ron Burgundy "Stay classy San Diego" but I am going to just say Stay classy my friends