For my husband

There has been a lot of rough patches in our relationship, but we are still standing strong. I knew when I was younger that you were the one for me. I just can't believe you waited for me for so long.You stuck by my side through all my break ups and through my drug abuse. You never once called me stupid, yet told me I made stupid decisions. You know me better than I know myself. I am so thankful to have you. I am serious when I say that I could never deal with me if I were you. I really don't know how you do it but I am thankful. I know that you work hard and do your best to provide for Pun'kin and I. When I talk about you to my friends they always say you're such a great husband and it's true, you are! YOU ARE AN AMAZING DADDY AND HUSBAND. I can't believe we have been together for 5 years. In those five years we've had the car repo'd, had help with rent when we couldn't afford it, had family issues and yet here we are. We've got great friends who keep us sane and get us out of the house. I am so glad you got the new position at work and I hope that you will enjoy your job more. I hope that eventually we will get to a point in our lives where we can always pay bills on time and you can have all the things you deserve. I know that you put Pun'kin and I first but I promise to make sure soon you can put yourself first. I want you to have the nice t.v and computer. I want you to be able to play xbox live with your friends and have new games. I feel like you have put the kid part of you on hold and become a 24/7 full time grown up. I miss the kid in you. I miss watching you scream and laugh while playing live with your friends. I miss you being involved with people other than me. I want to see that excitement in you again. I will do what ever I can to make that happen. You are a great man Mr. Towe. A great husband, dad and provider. I know sometimes you feel like a failure and that what we have isn't good enough, but it's good enough for me. So who cares that we have an old ass couch that we have to cover with a throw blanket because it's got a huge hole in it, how cares that we don't have t.v or nice furniture. The people who do care about those things shouldn't be in our lives. I appreciate EVERYTHING we have! Although I do care we have a hole in the couch..lol that's why there's a throw blanket it on it. hehe but still. when I walk into our apartment I feel at home. I know we have white walls and no really HOMEY things but hey I have you and Pun'kin. and the "brats" BUT THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. I know that we have been used by friends and have been too nice to people and been burned by them but, we will come out on top like we always do. I know that we wish we had more money to do things more often and SOME DAY WE WILL. When that happens we won't be HAPPIER but humbled. Humbled because we know we've earned it and we now know how to manage it better. You and Pun'kin are my world. I can't wait to be home and in your arms again. Babe I am the happiest woman ever. I married my best friend and you gave me our beautiful daughter. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you a million times over for never giving up on me. For being my rock, for extending my vocabulary and teaching me my states. LOL.. and filling my brain with useless information. I wouldn't have you any other way. I love you with all my heart and I look forward to all the adventures we will be having as partners and parents

Great first day but also CRAPPY

So in my lay over in San Francisco I was very ill and I apparently left my mac make up bag some where in the bathroom. I am so upset. My wonderful husband had just bought me a new compact and I got a new lipstick. Over 50 percent of my make up was MAC. UGH!! Today was HOTTTTTTT!!! lol.. My nephew Jhonen is running a fever. I feel bad for the poor guy. I went with my twin to pick him up. He is such a big boy now. Every day my twin brings him his bike and helmet and she takes his back pack and he rides his bike all the way home. My nephews and niece have grown up so much. They are all so adorable. I am so glad I am here. I miss my husband like crazy. It's going to be a long first few nights. Right now I am doing laundry for my twin. I am going to be helping her pack her house to move into her NEW house. 1700 sq ft 3 stories. I can't wait to see it. Next week? weekend my brother Blaine graduates from Drill Instructor school. He is a Marine and a damn good one too. I miss all my friends back home. It's weird not being at Sarah and Illyas. I really do have the best friends. Last night Illya made his fried potatoes.. It's a dish from his home in Ukraine. I really like it. They made dinner for us so we didn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning and just focus on packing. I still can't believe I left my make up bag. My husband didn't yell at me like I planned which was nice. I was about to miss my flight and I just ran to the gate. I couldn't take nausea medicine because it makes me sleepy and I wanted to be alert for Pun'kin. She did so well. I am so proud of her. Everyone just adored her. The flight attendants put my bag in the over head for me and also got it down on both flights. On my lay over in San Francisco the lady at the gate desk gave me an isle seat instead of my original middle seat. That was so nice of her. I really appreciated it. So I went and bought Pun'kin a vibrating swing and it was on sale for 24$ My twin said I could keep it and she would give me the money for it but I told her no. I figured I would just return it. I know that is ghetto but my daughter needs something to sit in. I left all the tags on. I kept the "gift receipt" I am so tired. No lie. Well I need to take a picture of my baby and post it on facebook so my husband can see her. I hope he calls us tonight.So as always, stay classy my friends

California and junk

So Pun'kin finally pooped today. It had been almost 9 days. I was really starting to get worried. We took he in Labor day to urgent care and the doctor did to give her anything.So we made a follow up for yesterday and the doctor still did not give her anything. He just told us to give her apple juice or pear juice. So I gave her apple juice at 4 am and she pooped by 8 am. I was so excited. So I am leaving for California in four days. My husband had to buy the ticket because no one had sent money yet and time was ticking. My twin helped me look for the cheapest flight and it was cheap except we had to pay for the lay over and then we have to pay 25$ for my large bag. But I do get bone free carry on and one personal item. I am super tired. Last night I had a great time with my friends and had the best birthday ever. I am nervous about the flight. I just think about things going wrong and how I would handle it with Pun'kin. I just want a safe flight. I am so excited to see my family. As of right now I need to get ready for my play date with Amy. She wants to see her squishy before she leaves for three weeks. So As always, stay classy my friends

I am flabbergasted

I get home and there is a little pot of flowers with a card in it. It is addressed to my husband and I. The card reads forgiveness is the fragrance that violets shed on the heel that crushed it. i'm sorry for having offended you, while i'm not sure how it got this far and hurt so many. I ask for forgiveness. So I must say I AM IN NOW WAY READY TO FORGIVE.I can't just forget and move on.There is so much anger and ill will towards that subject! I am extremely tired and will finish this post tomorrow so good night. Ok so now that I have had time to think about it, I honestly can't forgive her if she really has no idea how it got this far. I think that her harassing me whiled my husband was gone, calling the cops and telling them lies and taking things from our home kinda isn't forgetable. I know she's got alzhemers or how ever you spell it but still..I just don't think the stuff she has said and done is forgivable. I don't know if it ever will be. I just don't know. I just don't understand how she HONESTLY doesn't know how it got this far then there is no reason to reconcile. I'm just saying. I guess I just don't understand my husbands family. They all want to play victim when none of them were harassed or had the cops called on them. OR... HAD ITEMS STRIPPED FROM THEIR HOMES. I just don't get it.

100 days old

In less than an hour my baby girl will be 100 days old. Today was a very stressful day. I am so thankful that God watched over my baby. It's amazing to think off all the trials she has been through. She was born two months early spent 22 days in the nicu, had physical therapy on her feet from day one four times a day until she was seven weeks old and had casts on for six weeks. Today she had surgery and will have these casts on for a total of four weeks. She has been through so much and yet she is still the quiet, well behaved baby she's always been. I am so proud of her. She did so well. I would have to say the day sucked but it sucked even worse when about an hour ago I noticed she was bleeding through one of her casts!. The doctor said draining (drainning) (like I said I'm not the strongest speller) would be normal but excessive draining is an issue. Well to be bleeding through the cast seems pretty excessive. My husband called the "on call" doctor who said we did not need to take her to the e.r and she should be fine until we can talk to her normal orthopedic doctor on Monday. So I'm going to be honest and tell you that this momma is tired and is going to bed. Well I'm going to read because it helps put me to sleep. I will fold the load of laundry in the morning. Well it's more like a hamper full but I'm going to be up early with baby.. so as always, stay classy my friends

Pun'kins surgery

Today I have been a parent for 99 days. That also means that Pun'kin is 99 days old. Her surgery took about an hour. She woke up with nothing but strangers around her and she was not having it. I feel bad because as soon as we walked in I rushed over to her and took her and then the doctors told my husband he had to leave the room. She was very upset at first because she was hungry. As soon as I gave her a bottle her pulse came down and she just stared at me. Now we are back in her room and daddy is holding his princess. We were told at first we would be here until 5pm but they just said we could leave at 3pm. When they first took her away the only things that ran through my head were " who are all these people? Where are my mommy and daddy? What are you doing to me?" I just wish that we could have been in there with her. I didn't cry while she was in surgery but I did cry when I got to hold her. It was scary just having them take her away. It reminded me of when she was born and the doctors took her away from me and I couldn't hold her for a few hours after.  Well I'm going to hold my daughter for a while. As always, stay classy my friends.

Its almost time

Pun'kins surgery is in two hours and twenty minutes. I of course did not sleep well at all. I had nothing but nightmares and my nurves turned my stomach. I throwing up and feeling just yucky. I am trying my hardest to not make myself sick again. I think my biggest fear is that my daughter won't wake up. I know she will but I'm just not ready for this. Yesterday my husband bought me my first ever green bay packers tshirt. Its awesome. First game of the season is September 8th which is my birthday and... GREEN BAY plays... woot. I am almost to the hospital so I am going to go. As always, be classy my friends.

A better day today

Yesterday sucked! Plain and simple. Today has been amazing. Pun'kin is in a great mood. She has been sleeping mostly all day. This is the most she has slept in a long time. I'm excited that going to California is getting closer but not excited that something could go wrong. My biggest concern is that Pun'kin might get an infection from the incisions and not being able to see it because of her casts. I am just a worry wart I guess. My husband on the other hand is pretty much cfare free. A little too carefree I must say. It kinda causes problems in our relationship. Our biggest problem is his parents. He likes to make excuses for his parents excuses. I always say that if my husband and I ever get divorced it won't because one of us cheated on the other, or that we just don't love eachother. It will be because of his family. Now I can't ask him to choose between Pun'kin and I. Or can I? His parents still haven't called to ask about Pun'kin. Its been two weeks since they have talked to us and or seen us. I'm at the point where I just don't want Pun'kin to go there at all. I feel if they really wanted to see her they would. And they just don't. You can understand my frustration. Last night when I broke down my husband started cleaning the apartment. I thought it was funny that it took me to have a complete melt down for him to help clean the apartment. What really set me off is that he said that he couldn't watch Pun'kin and clean at the same time because he knew he wouldn't be able to do a good enough job. See what he doesn't understand is I take care of our daughter and do dishes, put them away. Do laundry and put that away. I sweep and vacuum. Clean the cat box. All in one day. It just infuriated me. Beyond anything I wanted to punch him in the damn face. I understand his job sucks and gets stressful but he's not doing anything to change it. I feel like I'm catering to his woe is me and obviously I am my daughters slave but.. wher's the me time?  I mean 100 percent me time? It just doesn't exist. Now I really understand what they mean that moms never get alone time and I can understand how relationships end because of it. I have decided that when my husband gets home today are going to sit down and talk about how I feel. I need us to communicate and I need him to understand how I feel. Now I know he might not completely understand how I feel but at least I can voice how I feel. Yes I hate bombarding him as soon as he walks in the door but as you read yesterday I lost it. I need my husband to understand I need some help. I think he does know I need help but he either just doesn't care or he is just lazy. Either way its a bunch of bull. I told him yesterday if things don't change I might not come home from California. I'm serious too. If I'm doing everything on my own and my husband won't help why do more than I need to? I could divorce him move back to California where I know I'll get the help and I'll be able to start my life. Well my husband should be home soon so as always, stay classy my friends