REALLY??? WHAT NEXT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL MY DAUGHTER NOW!

So on my trip to California Pun'kin became sick. So I have my husband do some searching for urgent cares that would be covered by our insurance. The first Urgent care I take her to they don't have a pediatrician. So the second Urgent Care we go to is seriously in the slums of Moreno Valley and man as soon as I saw "Circumcision for any age" in huge letters painted on their window I thought to myself .. "OMG, CAN IT GET ANY MORE GHETTO?" So I go in and wait to be called back and as soon as the doctor walks into the room and he speaks I knew I wasn't going to get the care she needed. He could hardly speak English let alone understand what I was trying to say to him. So he puts pressure on her ears and checks her throat and says " well she has an ear infection in both her ears and it seems her Eustachian tubes aren't draining, and she's teething. So go ahead and give her some sugar water." First off how are you going to tell me she has an ear infection WITHOUT LOOKING INTO HER EARS?? Secondly WTF IS SUGAR WATER GOING TO HELP??? WOW! So the next day her cough is getting worse when she coughed her face turned blue. So My step dad took us to another Urgent Care. Now I had been to this Urgent Care myself when I was younger so I KNEW it was clean and that the doctors there were good. So as soon as we get called back the doctor comes in and she asks all about Pun'kins medical history, which is one thing the other doctor did not. So after 45 minutes of going over her medical history and me telling her what the other "doctor" said she checks both of her ears and says they look PERFECTLY NORMAL! Then she checks her gums and says NOPE NOT TEETHING EITHER. another thing the other "doctor" did not do. Then she listens to her chest for the coughing and says " well she seems a little congested and she's running a little bit of a fever but nothing serious." WOW......... So that doctor says just keep giving her the Tylenol with codeine it will help with the pain from her surgery the cough and the fever! WOW!!!!! was it really that hard for the other doctor to do what she just did? APPARENTLY! So I leave very happy except..... NOW HERE'S THE EFFED UP PART When the doctor asked me of all the medications she was on I said Ibuprofen and she says what?? she is too young to be on that. and I tell her that her orthopedic surgeon told us to get some for her. So I call Pun'kins primary care doctor and she confirms it. NO BABY UNDER 6 MONTHS SHOULD HAVE IBUPROFEN. GREAT! My husband and I have been giving it to her for the past ten weeks. NOT EVERY DAY, but here and there. So I'm PISSED. Then this morning I get my once a month in home nurse visit for Pun'kin! I tell her how things have been going and that she is now eating 6 ounces every three hours and her primary care doctor says she can have rice cereal mixed in to it. The nurse says "WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS??" She's too young to have that. Babies aren't supposed to have solids until six months.. SO INSTANTLY I PANIC AND START CRYING. The nurse said yes it will fill her tummy longer but because she is premature her organs do not know how to process it so she is not getting the nutrients from it...GREAT!!! Tomorrow I have a wic appointment and I am going ask them what we should do. If they confirm that she should not be on rice cereal right now when I go in next week for Pun'kins 4 month check up I'm going to have a few choice words with her doctor and most likely pick a new pediatrician. I just don't get it. Then to top it all off my twin and I got into a whipped cream fight and my thumb ring fell off and into the garbage disposal and I did not know. So when I am doing dishes I run the garbage disposal and hear a grinding noise and immediately turn it off. I stick my hand in there and find to bottle caps "not beer caps" and my thumb ring....and apparently MY DIAMOND FELL OUT! ugh.... My wedding ring is currently being changed out because the opal was cracking on the bottom so my long time friend gave me a ruby to replace the opal. So 200 dollars later my ring is being worked on and then my Diamond in my thumb ring is GONE... I swear you guys I just want to pull a Britney Spears shave my head, and go underground for about a year. LOL... Honestly... I wish my mom and twin could have stayed another week. I feel like they really didn't get to relax on their vacation because we did something EVERY day! I know they had fun and that's what counts. As it gets closer to the Holidays I get more and more upset. Yes it's going to be exciting for Tory and I because we have Pun'kin but... To me holidays are about being with family and as all of you know we aren't on the best of terms with my husbands family. Recently but not really my husbands grandmother left a pot of flowers on our porch and theres a card attached to it. It says some quote and then his grandmother writes " I'm sorry for have offending you and although I am not sure how it got so far and hurt some many I hope we can get together or some B.S like that.. FIRST OFF... IF SHE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THIS FAR THEN... THERE IS NO REASON TO APOLOGIZE. SECONDLY.....I can say three things on how it got out of hand. ONE, TAKING EVERYTHING FROM US THAT WAS GIVEN TO US, SECONDLY TELLING ME YOU CALLED THE COPS AND TOLD THEM WE STOLE YOUR WASHER AND DRYER, THIRDLY SAYING I AM A BAD PARENT AND MORE OF A MARTYR THAN A MOTHER! wow those seem to be pretty jacked up things to say. BUT! If you honestly don't know what you said or did to upset my husband and I, then there is no reason to talk. DO I NEED TO GO ON?? ugh.. so This Thanksgiving will just be the three of us and this Christmas we have already decided to spend it with our neighbors. Too bad so sad. UGH!!! I'm going out of my mind here. Can some one please tell me what I am doing wrong here? LOL..Well I am putting Pun'kin back to bed now so as always, Stay classy my friends

My life is a complete mess

I have realized a lot about myself and the things I want to change. I am 24 years old with no drivers licence. I have only a high school education and I haven't worked for two years! I find it hard to think about Pun'kin and me trying to explain to her the real world and how to independent. How do I tell my daughter to be independent when I rely on my husband? How do I tell her what the real world is like when I haven't really had the chance to experience it? Yes I did drugs and yes I do drink but that's all part of growing up. Working hard and paying bills and living on your own is in my opinion "being independent." I feel like a LOSER.! I am thankful for all that I have. I am thankful that my husband works 5 days a week to pay the bills but it's frustrating to be broke all the time. It's frustrating knowing that because I don't work I can't help to make sure bills are paid on time. I am tired of people "pitying" us and always feeling some what obligated to help us. Or ask "do you need help with anything?" When I was younger and working full time, I loved the feeling of knowing that if I wanted something no matter how big or small I could have it. I have NO CREDIT to my name. I do however have debt but not my fault. Literally not my fault.Yes I do not have a licence but that does not mean I don't know how to drive. My husbands parents already look down on me because I don't contribute to the house. When I was pregnant my husband and I were hurting for money but we went to visit his parents which was an hour away and I got hungry. So my husband took me to Mcdonalds and got me a meal. For what ever reason my husbands dad drove our car and found the receipt and pulled my husband aside and gave him crap for spending so much money on food. I HATE having to ask for things. I hate having to stress about having money to buy me shampoo or conditioner or even hair spay. I feel so needy. I hate to think that without my husband I couldn't support myself or my daughter. I feel trapped. I feel like I don't have the opportunity to move forward and that I have to learn to accept to be comfortable with nothing. How can I be a good parent if I can't even do things for myself? I just feel like I am a bad example of how to be successful. I feel like a mooch. Instead of living rent free with no obligations to try and get a job, I live with my husband and essentially mooch off of him. I can't work because I don't have a baby sitter. I also don't have a car. Living with no family to help you sucks. It sucks when people say well you don't have anyone who can help you? My husbands family won't help us. Especially me. Even if helping me meant providing for my daughter they "my husbands family" still wouldn't help me. I am trapped. Trapped in this apartment seven days a week.My husband has decided that with his new job I can have an "allowance." WOW... that pissed me off. Pre teens and teenagers get an allowance, and how do they get that allowance? By doing chores. So him saying I get an allowance made me feel like I am getting rewarded for doing my house wife and stay at home mommy duties. I get a whopping 10 percent of his check. OMG REALLY? I could whore myself out and hate my job but make more than he does. I would rather sell my eggs than get a 10 percent allowance of his pay checks. That statement made me feel so low. I already feel like a nothing but him saying that made me feel worthless. I could understand if he made BIG MONEY and I SPENT a lot of money that he would decide to put me on an allowance but come on now. He makes 1300 a month we don't even have 130 left over for him to give me. LOL. really we don't. Our rent is 775 not including utilities. Our car payment is 350 that's already 1125 that's 175 left over. our cell bill a month 30$ that leaves 145 our utilities lets say is at high 60 that leaves 85 dollars. So guess what that last 85 Is groceries for the month! Did I mention diapers and wipes?? oh wait THERE'S NO MONEY LEFT So tell me how in the hell am I going to get 130 in "allowance" a month? I'd really like to know. I didn't even mention our internet bill or our netflix bill. I am thankful that we have money to have all the things we do. I really am but as you can see if I were to be working things wouldn't be so tough. I just don't get it. I really don't. But, it's late and I need to try to get some sleep before Pun'kin wakes up to eat. So thanks for listening to me vent and as always stay classy my friends. Although my language in this blog was not so classy!

Cast free and in Ponstei braces

Pun'kin is now four months and 9 days old! Pun'kin and I traveled to California for three weeks last month. In those three weeks she progressed from 2 ounces every three hours to 4 ounces every three hours to now 6 ounces every 4 hours! On October 5th Pun'kin got her casts off FOR GOOD! She now has Ponseti braces which she will wear for 18-20 hours a day everyday until she is 6 months old. Then after she is 6 months old she will only have to wear them at night time and naps!She also developed a cold in the triple digit weather! Also Pun'kin can now start having rice cereal! It's so crazy to see the transformation of her. She is smiling more often and trying to talk. She want to talk so bad but just doesn't know how. She does however know how to mimic facial expressions. She is growing so quickly. I do have to say NEVER TAKE A FOUR MONTH OLD ON A ROAD TRIP! Honestly, I wanted to shoot myself. Pun'kin had never cried the way she did before. It killed me and sent my anxiety way up the roof. I had never been so irritated with her before. I felt so bad for not having the patience to just let her scream, but when you're stuck in a car and can't leave, it gets kinda difficult to deal with her screaming! I think I said to myself " now I know why they say put the baby down in a safe place and walk away" I can now understand how easy it is to just want to shake your baby. When I was trying to rock her when we pulled over I found myself rocking too hard and just took a deep breath and calmly slowed down and then she calmed down. Man at one point of the trip I was tempted to throw myself out of the car let my mom and twin take Pun'kin home and hitch hike the rest of the way. I don't think I have ever felt like more of a crappy mom to Pun'kin before. It was a challenge for sure. Next week she has her four month wellness check up. I'm pretty excited but not excited. I don't do needles so that's a daddy duty. He gets to be in the room with her. I'm too much of a sissy la la. Tomorrow we are going to start Pun'kin on the rice cereal. YAY! I think the most exciting thing is NOW I CAN GIVE HER A FULL BODY BATH. No more sponge baths! When they took her casts off man did her feet STINK! It was pretty bad. The doctors had warned us that her calves would forever be under sized and I really didn't think you would be able to notice but you can. They are so tiny. Pun'kin is doing okay with this new adjustment. When we take her braces off for an hour at a time she is kicking her legs away and as happy as can be, but as soon as the braces are back on she throws a DIVA TUDE! It's funny. She has such a "loud" personality. I love it. I am looking forward to the up coming months and watching her crawl and doing the whole "trying baby food" I am excited but then again not so much. I am not looking forward to her flinging food at me or sneezing while eating. NOPE... totally not looking forward to that. Pun'kin is also going to start sleeping in her crib like a big girl! So many wonderful things are happening. As of right now I need to try to sleep,because Pun'kin is asleep. So as always, stay classy my friends and good night.