REALLY??? WHAT NEXT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL MY DAUGHTER NOW!

So on my trip to California Pun'kin became sick. So I have my husband do some searching for urgent cares that would be covered by our insurance. The first Urgent care I take her to they don't have a pediatrician. So the second Urgent Care we go to is seriously in the slums of Moreno Valley and man as soon as I saw "Circumcision for any age" in huge letters painted on their window I thought to myself .. "OMG, CAN IT GET ANY MORE GHETTO?" So I go in and wait to be called back and as soon as the doctor walks into the room and he speaks I knew I wasn't going to get the care she needed. He could hardly speak English let alone understand what I was trying to say to him. So he puts pressure on her ears and checks her throat and says " well she has an ear infection in both her ears and it seems her Eustachian tubes aren't draining, and she's teething. So go ahead and give her some sugar water." First off how are you going to tell me she has an ear infection WITHOUT LOOKING INTO HER EARS?? Secondly WTF IS SUGAR WATER GOING TO HELP??? WOW! So the next day her cough is getting worse when she coughed her face turned blue. So My step dad took us to another Urgent Care. Now I had been to this Urgent Care myself when I was younger so I KNEW it was clean and that the doctors there were good. So as soon as we get called back the doctor comes in and she asks all about Pun'kins medical history, which is one thing the other doctor did not. So after 45 minutes of going over her medical history and me telling her what the other "doctor" said she checks both of her ears and says they look PERFECTLY NORMAL! Then she checks her gums and says NOPE NOT TEETHING EITHER. another thing the other "doctor" did not do. Then she listens to her chest for the coughing and says " well she seems a little congested and she's running a little bit of a fever but nothing serious." WOW......... So that doctor says just keep giving her the Tylenol with codeine it will help with the pain from her surgery the cough and the fever! WOW!!!!! was it really that hard for the other doctor to do what she just did? APPARENTLY! So I leave very happy except..... NOW HERE'S THE EFFED UP PART When the doctor asked me of all the medications she was on I said Ibuprofen and she says what?? she is too young to be on that. and I tell her that her orthopedic surgeon told us to get some for her. So I call Pun'kins primary care doctor and she confirms it. NO BABY UNDER 6 MONTHS SHOULD HAVE IBUPROFEN. GREAT! My husband and I have been giving it to her for the past ten weeks. NOT EVERY DAY, but here and there. So I'm PISSED. Then this morning I get my once a month in home nurse visit for Pun'kin! I tell her how things have been going and that she is now eating 6 ounces every three hours and her primary care doctor says she can have rice cereal mixed in to it. The nurse says "WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS??" She's too young to have that. Babies aren't supposed to have solids until six months.. SO INSTANTLY I PANIC AND START CRYING. The nurse said yes it will fill her tummy longer but because she is premature her organs do not know how to process it so she is not getting the nutrients from it...GREAT!!! Tomorrow I have a wic appointment and I am going ask them what we should do. If they confirm that she should not be on rice cereal right now when I go in next week for Pun'kins 4 month check up I'm going to have a few choice words with her doctor and most likely pick a new pediatrician. I just don't get it. Then to top it all off my twin and I got into a whipped cream fight and my thumb ring fell off and into the garbage disposal and I did not know. So when I am doing dishes I run the garbage disposal and hear a grinding noise and immediately turn it off. I stick my hand in there and find to bottle caps "not beer caps" and my thumb ring....and apparently MY DIAMOND FELL OUT! ugh.... My wedding ring is currently being changed out because the opal was cracking on the bottom so my long time friend gave me a ruby to replace the opal. So 200 dollars later my ring is being worked on and then my Diamond in my thumb ring is GONE... I swear you guys I just want to pull a Britney Spears shave my head, and go underground for about a year. LOL... Honestly... I wish my mom and twin could have stayed another week. I feel like they really didn't get to relax on their vacation because we did something EVERY day! I know they had fun and that's what counts. As it gets closer to the Holidays I get more and more upset. Yes it's going to be exciting for Tory and I because we have Pun'kin but... To me holidays are about being with family and as all of you know we aren't on the best of terms with my husbands family. Recently but not really my husbands grandmother left a pot of flowers on our porch and theres a card attached to it. It says some quote and then his grandmother writes " I'm sorry for have offending you and although I am not sure how it got so far and hurt some many I hope we can get together or some B.S like that.. FIRST OFF... IF SHE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THIS FAR THEN... THERE IS NO REASON TO APOLOGIZE. SECONDLY.....I can say three things on how it got out of hand. ONE, TAKING EVERYTHING FROM US THAT WAS GIVEN TO US, SECONDLY TELLING ME YOU CALLED THE COPS AND TOLD THEM WE STOLE YOUR WASHER AND DRYER, THIRDLY SAYING I AM A BAD PARENT AND MORE OF A MARTYR THAN A MOTHER! wow those seem to be pretty jacked up things to say. BUT! If you honestly don't know what you said or did to upset my husband and I, then there is no reason to talk. DO I NEED TO GO ON?? ugh.. so This Thanksgiving will just be the three of us and this Christmas we have already decided to spend it with our neighbors. Too bad so sad. UGH!!! I'm going out of my mind here. Can some one please tell me what I am doing wrong here? LOL..Well I am putting Pun'kin back to bed now so as always, Stay classy my friends

My life is a complete mess

I have realized a lot about myself and the things I want to change. I am 24 years old with no drivers licence. I have only a high school education and I haven't worked for two years! I find it hard to think about Pun'kin and me trying to explain to her the real world and how to independent. How do I tell my daughter to be independent when I rely on my husband? How do I tell her what the real world is like when I haven't really had the chance to experience it? Yes I did drugs and yes I do drink but that's all part of growing up. Working hard and paying bills and living on your own is in my opinion "being independent." I feel like a LOSER.! I am thankful for all that I have. I am thankful that my husband works 5 days a week to pay the bills but it's frustrating to be broke all the time. It's frustrating knowing that because I don't work I can't help to make sure bills are paid on time. I am tired of people "pitying" us and always feeling some what obligated to help us. Or ask "do you need help with anything?" When I was younger and working full time, I loved the feeling of knowing that if I wanted something no matter how big or small I could have it. I have NO CREDIT to my name. I do however have debt but not my fault. Literally not my fault.Yes I do not have a licence but that does not mean I don't know how to drive. My husbands parents already look down on me because I don't contribute to the house. When I was pregnant my husband and I were hurting for money but we went to visit his parents which was an hour away and I got hungry. So my husband took me to Mcdonalds and got me a meal. For what ever reason my husbands dad drove our car and found the receipt and pulled my husband aside and gave him crap for spending so much money on food. I HATE having to ask for things. I hate having to stress about having money to buy me shampoo or conditioner or even hair spay. I feel so needy. I hate to think that without my husband I couldn't support myself or my daughter. I feel trapped. I feel like I don't have the opportunity to move forward and that I have to learn to accept to be comfortable with nothing. How can I be a good parent if I can't even do things for myself? I just feel like I am a bad example of how to be successful. I feel like a mooch. Instead of living rent free with no obligations to try and get a job, I live with my husband and essentially mooch off of him. I can't work because I don't have a baby sitter. I also don't have a car. Living with no family to help you sucks. It sucks when people say well you don't have anyone who can help you? My husbands family won't help us. Especially me. Even if helping me meant providing for my daughter they "my husbands family" still wouldn't help me. I am trapped. Trapped in this apartment seven days a week.My husband has decided that with his new job I can have an "allowance." WOW... that pissed me off. Pre teens and teenagers get an allowance, and how do they get that allowance? By doing chores. So him saying I get an allowance made me feel like I am getting rewarded for doing my house wife and stay at home mommy duties. I get a whopping 10 percent of his check. OMG REALLY? I could whore myself out and hate my job but make more than he does. I would rather sell my eggs than get a 10 percent allowance of his pay checks. That statement made me feel so low. I already feel like a nothing but him saying that made me feel worthless. I could understand if he made BIG MONEY and I SPENT a lot of money that he would decide to put me on an allowance but come on now. He makes 1300 a month we don't even have 130 left over for him to give me. LOL. really we don't. Our rent is 775 not including utilities. Our car payment is 350 that's already 1125 that's 175 left over. our cell bill a month 30$ that leaves 145 our utilities lets say is at high 60 that leaves 85 dollars. So guess what that last 85 Is groceries for the month! Did I mention diapers and wipes?? oh wait THERE'S NO MONEY LEFT So tell me how in the hell am I going to get 130 in "allowance" a month? I'd really like to know. I didn't even mention our internet bill or our netflix bill. I am thankful that we have money to have all the things we do. I really am but as you can see if I were to be working things wouldn't be so tough. I just don't get it. I really don't. But, it's late and I need to try to get some sleep before Pun'kin wakes up to eat. So thanks for listening to me vent and as always stay classy my friends. Although my language in this blog was not so classy!

Cast free and in Ponstei braces

Pun'kin is now four months and 9 days old! Pun'kin and I traveled to California for three weeks last month. In those three weeks she progressed from 2 ounces every three hours to 4 ounces every three hours to now 6 ounces every 4 hours! On October 5th Pun'kin got her casts off FOR GOOD! She now has Ponseti braces which she will wear for 18-20 hours a day everyday until she is 6 months old. Then after she is 6 months old she will only have to wear them at night time and naps!She also developed a cold in the triple digit weather! Also Pun'kin can now start having rice cereal! It's so crazy to see the transformation of her. She is smiling more often and trying to talk. She want to talk so bad but just doesn't know how. She does however know how to mimic facial expressions. She is growing so quickly. I do have to say NEVER TAKE A FOUR MONTH OLD ON A ROAD TRIP! Honestly, I wanted to shoot myself. Pun'kin had never cried the way she did before. It killed me and sent my anxiety way up the roof. I had never been so irritated with her before. I felt so bad for not having the patience to just let her scream, but when you're stuck in a car and can't leave, it gets kinda difficult to deal with her screaming! I think I said to myself " now I know why they say put the baby down in a safe place and walk away" I can now understand how easy it is to just want to shake your baby. When I was trying to rock her when we pulled over I found myself rocking too hard and just took a deep breath and calmly slowed down and then she calmed down. Man at one point of the trip I was tempted to throw myself out of the car let my mom and twin take Pun'kin home and hitch hike the rest of the way. I don't think I have ever felt like more of a crappy mom to Pun'kin before. It was a challenge for sure. Next week she has her four month wellness check up. I'm pretty excited but not excited. I don't do needles so that's a daddy duty. He gets to be in the room with her. I'm too much of a sissy la la. Tomorrow we are going to start Pun'kin on the rice cereal. YAY! I think the most exciting thing is NOW I CAN GIVE HER A FULL BODY BATH. No more sponge baths! When they took her casts off man did her feet STINK! It was pretty bad. The doctors had warned us that her calves would forever be under sized and I really didn't think you would be able to notice but you can. They are so tiny. Pun'kin is doing okay with this new adjustment. When we take her braces off for an hour at a time she is kicking her legs away and as happy as can be, but as soon as the braces are back on she throws a DIVA TUDE! It's funny. She has such a "loud" personality. I love it. I am looking forward to the up coming months and watching her crawl and doing the whole "trying baby food" I am excited but then again not so much. I am not looking forward to her flinging food at me or sneezing while eating. NOPE... totally not looking forward to that. Pun'kin is also going to start sleeping in her crib like a big girl! So many wonderful things are happening. As of right now I need to try to sleep,because Pun'kin is asleep. So as always, stay classy my friends and good night.

For my husband

There has been a lot of rough patches in our relationship, but we are still standing strong. I knew when I was younger that you were the one for me. I just can't believe you waited for me for so long.You stuck by my side through all my break ups and through my drug abuse. You never once called me stupid, yet told me I made stupid decisions. You know me better than I know myself. I am so thankful to have you. I am serious when I say that I could never deal with me if I were you. I really don't know how you do it but I am thankful. I know that you work hard and do your best to provide for Pun'kin and I. When I talk about you to my friends they always say you're such a great husband and it's true, you are! YOU ARE AN AMAZING DADDY AND HUSBAND. I can't believe we have been together for 5 years. In those five years we've had the car repo'd, had help with rent when we couldn't afford it, had family issues and yet here we are. We've got great friends who keep us sane and get us out of the house. I am so glad you got the new position at work and I hope that you will enjoy your job more. I hope that eventually we will get to a point in our lives where we can always pay bills on time and you can have all the things you deserve. I know that you put Pun'kin and I first but I promise to make sure soon you can put yourself first. I want you to have the nice t.v and computer. I want you to be able to play xbox live with your friends and have new games. I feel like you have put the kid part of you on hold and become a 24/7 full time grown up. I miss the kid in you. I miss watching you scream and laugh while playing live with your friends. I miss you being involved with people other than me. I want to see that excitement in you again. I will do what ever I can to make that happen. You are a great man Mr. Towe. A great husband, dad and provider. I know sometimes you feel like a failure and that what we have isn't good enough, but it's good enough for me. So who cares that we have an old ass couch that we have to cover with a throw blanket because it's got a huge hole in it, how cares that we don't have t.v or nice furniture. The people who do care about those things shouldn't be in our lives. I appreciate EVERYTHING we have! Although I do care we have a hole in the couch..lol that's why there's a throw blanket it on it. hehe but still. when I walk into our apartment I feel at home. I know we have white walls and no really HOMEY things but hey I have you and Pun'kin. and the "brats" BUT THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. I know that we have been used by friends and have been too nice to people and been burned by them but, we will come out on top like we always do. I know that we wish we had more money to do things more often and SOME DAY WE WILL. When that happens we won't be HAPPIER but humbled. Humbled because we know we've earned it and we now know how to manage it better. You and Pun'kin are my world. I can't wait to be home and in your arms again. Babe I am the happiest woman ever. I married my best friend and you gave me our beautiful daughter. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you a million times over for never giving up on me. For being my rock, for extending my vocabulary and teaching me my states. LOL.. and filling my brain with useless information. I wouldn't have you any other way. I love you with all my heart and I look forward to all the adventures we will be having as partners and parents

Great first day but also CRAPPY

So in my lay over in San Francisco I was very ill and I apparently left my mac make up bag some where in the bathroom. I am so upset. My wonderful husband had just bought me a new compact and I got a new lipstick. Over 50 percent of my make up was MAC. UGH!! Today was HOTTTTTTT!!! lol.. My nephew Jhonen is running a fever. I feel bad for the poor guy. I went with my twin to pick him up. He is such a big boy now. Every day my twin brings him his bike and helmet and she takes his back pack and he rides his bike all the way home. My nephews and niece have grown up so much. They are all so adorable. I am so glad I am here. I miss my husband like crazy. It's going to be a long first few nights. Right now I am doing laundry for my twin. I am going to be helping her pack her house to move into her NEW house. 1700 sq ft 3 stories. I can't wait to see it. Next week? weekend my brother Blaine graduates from Drill Instructor school. He is a Marine and a damn good one too. I miss all my friends back home. It's weird not being at Sarah and Illyas. I really do have the best friends. Last night Illya made his fried potatoes.. It's a dish from his home in Ukraine. I really like it. They made dinner for us so we didn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning and just focus on packing. I still can't believe I left my make up bag. My husband didn't yell at me like I planned which was nice. I was about to miss my flight and I just ran to the gate. I couldn't take nausea medicine because it makes me sleepy and I wanted to be alert for Pun'kin. She did so well. I am so proud of her. Everyone just adored her. The flight attendants put my bag in the over head for me and also got it down on both flights. On my lay over in San Francisco the lady at the gate desk gave me an isle seat instead of my original middle seat. That was so nice of her. I really appreciated it. So I went and bought Pun'kin a vibrating swing and it was on sale for 24$ My twin said I could keep it and she would give me the money for it but I told her no. I figured I would just return it. I know that is ghetto but my daughter needs something to sit in. I left all the tags on. I kept the "gift receipt" I am so tired. No lie. Well I need to take a picture of my baby and post it on facebook so my husband can see her. I hope he calls us tonight.So as always, stay classy my friends

California and junk

So Pun'kin finally pooped today. It had been almost 9 days. I was really starting to get worried. We took he in Labor day to urgent care and the doctor did to give her anything.So we made a follow up for yesterday and the doctor still did not give her anything. He just told us to give her apple juice or pear juice. So I gave her apple juice at 4 am and she pooped by 8 am. I was so excited. So I am leaving for California in four days. My husband had to buy the ticket because no one had sent money yet and time was ticking. My twin helped me look for the cheapest flight and it was cheap except we had to pay for the lay over and then we have to pay 25$ for my large bag. But I do get bone free carry on and one personal item. I am super tired. Last night I had a great time with my friends and had the best birthday ever. I am nervous about the flight. I just think about things going wrong and how I would handle it with Pun'kin. I just want a safe flight. I am so excited to see my family. As of right now I need to get ready for my play date with Amy. She wants to see her squishy before she leaves for three weeks. So As always, stay classy my friends

I am flabbergasted

I get home and there is a little pot of flowers with a card in it. It is addressed to my husband and I. The card reads forgiveness is the fragrance that violets shed on the heel that crushed it. i'm sorry for having offended you, while i'm not sure how it got this far and hurt so many. I ask for forgiveness. So I must say I AM IN NOW WAY READY TO FORGIVE.I can't just forget and move on.There is so much anger and ill will towards that subject! I am extremely tired and will finish this post tomorrow so good night. Ok so now that I have had time to think about it, I honestly can't forgive her if she really has no idea how it got this far. I think that her harassing me whiled my husband was gone, calling the cops and telling them lies and taking things from our home kinda isn't forgetable. I know she's got alzhemers or how ever you spell it but still..I just don't think the stuff she has said and done is forgivable. I don't know if it ever will be. I just don't know. I just don't understand how she HONESTLY doesn't know how it got this far then there is no reason to reconcile. I'm just saying. I guess I just don't understand my husbands family. They all want to play victim when none of them were harassed or had the cops called on them. OR... HAD ITEMS STRIPPED FROM THEIR HOMES. I just don't get it.